5 de junho de 2010

Desprezo amargo

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Por Fernando Barreiros

Meu café olhou para mim como se me desprezasse profundamente. Sentei-me no sofá pensando em finalmente ter algum descanço. Liguei a tv e, como sempre, estava no noticiário. O âncora não era ninguém mais que o próprio diabo. “…o tempo continua ruim, a vida continua uma merda e vocês todos podem ir se foder.” Por nós, amigão, você pode ir se foder!” Na porta da minha geladeira, em letras coloridas e separadas, estava escrito “Espero que pegue câncer. Amor, Diabo.” A ironia dele me incomodava de vez em quando.

- Eu posso estar alucinando de novo, garota, o efeito voltou.

- Relaxe, querido. Não vou deixar você vender a sua alma para aquele escroto.

- Vamos sair daqui.

- Quando?

- Bota a roupa. - Mal pude acabar a frase e ela já estava com seu casaco e sua bolsa. leia mais…

29 de maio de 2010

Sinfonia russa

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Por Fernando Barreiros

Vinda da taberna, uma música instrumental russa se misturava com o som gaivotas. Eu não deveria estar ali, realmente não deveria. Minha perna doía, fazendo-me mancar e me sentir como um coxo no palácio real. Os barcos, ancorados não muito longe, rangiam ao balançar. A névoa estava tão fechada e densa que podia senti-la pesando sobre seu corpo. A lua estava cheia e, depois da taberna, era a coisa mais próxima que se podia enxergar.

Olhei para o chão, mas em seu lugar, estava a névoa e não pude achar o cigarro. Acendi outro e meu corpo se encheu de nicotina. Quanto mais perto chegava da taberna, vários passos e seus baques secos na madeira surgiam pela névoa. O frio deixava meus músculos tensos e a dor na perna apenas piorava, fazendo com que me sentisse ainda mais como um coxo. leia mais…

15 de maio de 2010

Delírios #427

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Por Fernando Barreiros

As ruas haviam virado uma grande frigideira. A realidade, um tanto distorcida, fazia com que as imagens que eu visse não fossem muito confiáveis. O tempo havia se transformado em algo tão bizarro e igualmente assustador que decidi esquecê-lo. Precisava de alguma coisa para beber, minha garganta, como os meus olhos, estava seca. Entrei no bar e pedi um saudável copo d’água.

- Boa tarde, seu imbecil. O que gostaria de pedir? - Ignorei o “imbecil” e pedi. - Olha aqui, ô infeliz, se você não é da porra da sociedade dos unicórnios rosa você não pode comprar nada aqui. - Ele trouxe minha cerveja e me deu o troco. leia mais…

8 de maio de 2010

Portas de vidro e o depravado

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Por Fernando Barreiros

Entrei pela porta de vidro e ganhei o mais receptivo olhar de “O que diabos alguém como você está fazendo aqui?”. Digitei minha senha para passar pela roleta, mas não era o suficiente, tive de ser identificado pelas minhas digitais. Excesso de segurança? Sim. Sentimento de realização por me sentir em Star Trek? Talvez.

O andar de cima era uma grande sala com uma ou duas divisórias de vidro. Bundas muito formosas se exercitavam na minha frente, porém na parede para a qual estavam viradas havia um espelho. “Que pervertido! Eu não posso fazer um exercício em que abro as pernas de quatro com uma calça de lycra que já tem um DEPRAVADO olhando minha bunda.” Depois de perceber que estavam me vendo encarar aquelas bundas, me senti ligeiramente mal e fui procurar alguma coisa para fazer. leia mais…

1 de maio de 2010

Deprimente

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Por Fernando Barreiros

A luz que vinha de fora não o deixava dormir assim como os mosquitos que zumbiam em seu ouvido. Em cada “bzzzzz” tentava rapidamente pegar o mosquito com a mão, mas já estava cansado e seus olhos semifechados. Tateou sua escrivaninha à procura de alguma coisa que o fizesse dormir e achou dois comprimidos distintos, que sem hestiação foram engolidos.

Mais e mais zumbidos vinham ao seu ouvido. Moscas e mosquitos festejam em seu corpo, acordando o mau-humorado Joe. Um cheiro terrível de putrefação e morte entrava por suas narinas e queimava seus neurônios um a um. Não era apenas o cheiro em si que o incomodava, mas a familiaridade dele, como um cachorro que conhece o próprio mijo. Começou a tentar espantar as moscas e mosquitos para longe, mas não iam embora. Zumbiam como se o xingassem e voltavam a perturbá-lo. Desistiu de espantá-las, mas o cheiro incomodava ainda mais. Abriu a janela do quarto, que dava de frente para a cozinha de sua vizinha e voltou para a cama. Não conseguia dormir de verdade, não passava daquele estado onde a realidade e o sonho são um só. Gesticulava agressiva e involuntariamente para espantar os zumbidos sem sucesso. leia mais…

24 de abril de 2010

Delíria

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Por Fernando Barreiros

O cigarro tremia entre suas unhas vermelhas e borradas, seus lábios, ligeiramente contraídos, demonstravam uma tristeza vazia, como se nunca houvesse conhecido outro sentimento. Quando não estava tragando, mordia seu lábio despertando sentimentos humanos nos piores demônios. Seus olhos eram vazios como os de soldados que voltavam do Vietnã após verem seus companheiros morrendo com a cara enfiada na lama.

As ondas recuavam junto com os medos que a aterrorizavam. O vento gelado cerrava seus dentes e arqueava suas costas. As luzes da cidade ofuscavam as estrelas e a lua, do outro lado da cidade, era encoberta por prédios e desprezada pelas pessoas. Tirou seus adorados sapatos que vivia dizendo “São Jimmy Choos, são jimmy choos…” e os alinhou. Sentia-se afundando cada vez mais, como se fosse afundar na areia e nunca mais voltar.

O que a atordoava não era seu passado ou seu presente, eram as variáveis de seu futuro que a matavam por dentro como um tumor. Sua curiosidade psicanalítica pela vida havia se tornado o contrário. Suas bochechas, antes cheias, agora estavam fundas e mortas. Seu corpo pedia por alívio assim como um machucado dói para ser tratado.

Levantou devagar, parecia levantar de um túmulo. Botou seu cigarro na boca e caminhou até o mar. A água batia em seus joelhos, apenas esperando chegar naquelas coxas. Seus tormentos morriam a cada passo em direção ao mar. Tragou uma última vez e largou seu cigarro. Seus lábios sangravam e ela simplesmente mordia mais. Sua camisa revelava peitos que talvez ninguém tenha realmente apreciado mas sempre estiverem ali, perfeitos. Soltou todo o ar dos pulmões e sua presilha amarela sumiu no meio de canos de esgoto e a música do parque de diversões.

17 de abril de 2010

Brinco-no-pau

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Por Fernando Barreiros

Sentia meu coração bater como se fosse explodir e logo a mesa estaria coberta de sangue e nacos genéricos de carne. Ela dormia no sofá com o braço estirado para fora, como uma viciada ou algo assim. Não sabia se o que tinha em minhas mãos era uma trinca de reis ou um sete de copas e um 3 de ouro, talvez até um coringa que esqueceram de tirar. Não víamos o céu há 3 dias, as nuvens, agora não tão escuras, caíam sobre nossas cabeças como uma praga bíblica.

A mesa já estava coberta de cinzas de charuto e cigarro. O sujeito do meu lado esquerdo, para ser específico, afirmava ter um brinco na ponta do pau. “Elas amam! Acham exótico ou algo assim!” Ele podia ter um brinco no pau e as garotas podiam realmente gostar daquilo, mas jogava mal, não sabia blefar, não sabia mentir. Ao lado dele estava um pintor pretensioso, dizia que era um dos últimos artistas de verdade ou algo assim. Pintava mulheres apenas para comê-las depois, ou o contrário, talvez. E entre nós dois ficava Mike, um bêbado que sabia blefar mas não esconder que estava bêbado. Encarava as cartas fixamente tentando descobrir o que tinha, que nem eu estava fazendo. O Brinco-No-Pau só faltava perguntar as regras do pôquer, toda vez que blefava fazia um “hum”, um “ahm ham”. Imagino se todas as garotas com quem transasse fizessem “hum” na hora que fingissem. leia mais…

10 de abril de 2010

Plaft!

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Por Fernando Barreiros

Meus miolos fizeram plaft!
Plaft fizeram os meus miolos
Plaft fizeram os motivos que me mantinham aqui
Os soros e remédios sendo injetados em minhas veias foram desligados
O espelho não era mais um motivo para pagar pra ver
O esquecimento total vinha calmo, frio
O presente queria virar passado e nunca mais acontecer de novo
Mas o maldito presente continuava real e infinito
Me tranquei dentro da caixa e pretendia nunca mais sair
A realidade fazia de mim um louco em minha própria loucura
Um pária para mim mesmo
Olhei no espelho e meu reflexo cuspiu em mim
Botou o dedo na minha cara
E riu
A risada demoníaca

A tentação usava shortinho
Ela me olhou com seus olhos fundos e perguntou
Quer?
A dama branca me chamava
Não sabia para o quê
O inferno clamava por minha alma disfarçado de céu

27 de março de 2010

Faça como Kurt Cobain

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Por Fernando Barreiros

Como já dizia Bukowski, suicídio é apenas uma questão de colhões. Se você tem colhões, não teria porque desperdiçar tal oportunidade. Afinal, depois de um tiro na testa você não se importa muito se o seu cadáver tá sendo fodido por um cavalo ou doando orgãos para ex-alcoólatras. Havia comprado um revólver e uma única bala para esse momento. Girei o tambor, deixando a bala em seu devido lugar e pus minha roupa, como um ritual.

Desci as escadas de corrimões escorregadios e, como sempre, tropecei no penúltimo degrau. Aquela rotina irônica me irritava de tal maneira que, bem, me fez comprar uma arma com uma bala. O porteiro, com seu hálito matinal de pinga, recompunha-se e escondia sua garrafa. Não mais que três quadras até o bar. Iria gastar aqueles últimos trocados e bang! miolos na parede, decomposição, a porra toda, todo aquele drama.

Um barbudo falou comigo como se fôssemos irmãos ou algo assim e fomos para o bar. Ele falava de sua vida e eu apenas fazia que sim com a cabeça. “Hoje você bebe na minha conta, da última vez você que pagou.” Barbudo, louco e queria me pagar cerveja. O que um suicida poderia pedir mais? Bebemos dos melhores whiskeys e comemos as melhores putas. Ganhei um firme aperto de mão e segui meu caminho de volta para meu destino tão romantizado. Subi as mesmas escadas escorregadias e entrei em casa. O seguinte bilhete estava em minha mesa “meus contos só falavam de suícidio, morte, drogas e sexo. Isso me levou à depressão profunda e ao suicídio.” Meu eu-lírico nunca mentiu pra mim, então peguei a arma e… (splat!)

20 de março de 2010

Kafka High

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Por Fernando Barreiros

E as baratas me seguiam lentamente, se escondendo despretensiosamente atrás de copos e caixinhas de fósforo, me olhando com seus olhinhos nervosos enquanto escrevia. Começavam a me deixar nervoso e se divertiam com isso, aquelas baratinhas asquerosas. Apesar de tudo, elas me tratavam como igual: “e aí, seu bípede sujo, joga essa cerva pra gente!” Assim o fiz, atirei uma garrafa quase vazia em cima daquelas patas dançantes, que estilhaçou deixando uma poça de cerveja e vidro espalhado pelo quarto. Elas corriam desorientadas para seus esconderijos.

Achava que havia me livrado daquele sentimento kafkiano de ter uma barata como seu semelhante. Eu estava no meio de uma rua entre pessoas e baratas e não sabia para que lado deveria atravessar. Voltei à escrever, finalmente estava livre das baratinhas dançantes e, principalmente, das pessoas. Estar sozinho sempre foi meu paraíso, minha pequena morte. O que me deixava tão bem em estar trancado, isolado, em um quarto era não me sentir louco. Do mesmo jeito que o bem precisa do mal, o são precisa do louco, não o contrário. Sem a tão aclamada ’sanidade’ presente em meu quarto, minhas loucuras deixavam de ser loucas. A verdadeira sanidade é a loucura assumida. “Mas e a porra das baratinhas kafkianas?!” você se pergunta por não poder me perguntar. Elas voltaram. leia mais…

13 de março de 2010

Autópsia

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Por Fernando Barreiros

Fui ao estacionamento para fumar. Ainda fazia calor mesmo à noite, fazia você querer andar pelado. Uma música brega anos 90 tocava no bar ao lado, podendo estragar qualquer vontade de ter ouvidos. Resolvi voltar para dentro do prédio, com ar condicionado e um sentimento de distância infinita com o resto do mundo. Andando para minha sala, meus conhecidos me comprimentavam e grande parte deles só fingia que me achava um sujeito legal. leia mais…

6 de março de 2010

Uvas #1

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Por Fernando Barreiros

Jarbas pegou o cacho de uvas e começou seu discurso ligeiramente esquizofrênico:

- Nós comemos filhotes.

- Filhotecídio? Do que você tá falando? - Perguntou Jonas, ainda olhando fixamente para o teto.

Botou o cacho na cara de Jonas, apontando para aquele amontoado de uvas, e disse “Fruto, filhote. A uva é filhote do cacho…” Ambos encararam o cacho, porém, Jarbas o encarou como um motoqueiro bêbado querendo arrumar briga, os olhos arregalados e sem senso de direção, talvez? leia mais…

20 de fevereiro de 2010

Entre maçanetas e peitos

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Por Fernando Barreiros

Saí do apartamento para as ruas desertas dessa cidade maldita tentando achar um táxi. Desde peitos à maçanetas, tudo que tocava naquela noite ficava manchado de sangue. Havia machucado minha mão e não lembrava como, achei sensato ir embora antes de alguém me dizer que machuquei-a socando a mãe de alguém ou algo grotesco assim.

A borda do canteiro de plantas que estava perto avermelhave-se conforme eu esperava o táxi. Alguns movimentos bruscos fizeram com que as plantas também pingassem sangue. A noite estava terrivelmente clara graças as luzes exageradas da cidade. Ao longo da rua, o que parecia ser um táxi brincava de Nascar em minha direção, bom, pilotos de Nascar são bons motoristas e vou chegar rápido em casa, ótimo. Fiz a saudação nazista para chamá-lo e, para conseguir parar na minha frente, teve de deixar marcas no asfalto ao freiar. Como se num filme de terror vagabundo, a porta abriu-se sozinha, e, como uma puta, me convidou para dentro. leia mais…

13 de fevereiro de 2010

Maldito casal de rednecks

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Por Fernando Barreiros

Agora, com o sapato em minha mão ensaguentado de culpa e um pavor tremendo que me consumia, precisava pensar no que fazer, em como me livrar de toda aquela merda. O tempo corria como o sangue em minhas veias e só podia sentir a decomposição chegando com aquele cheiro. Esfreguei a sola do sapato na cortina branca, deixando um largo rastro de sangue. Acabar com a vida de alguém com um sapato é mais divertido do que eu pensava.

“O que fazer com os corpos?” Essa foi a grande pergunta. Meus músculos estavam moles e sentar no sofá foi a decisão mais rápida que pude tomar. Meu corpo afundou como uma pedra. Fui tirar o cigarro que estava em minha boca e prendeu na secura de meu lábio, fazendo com que queimasse meus dedos. leia mais…

6 de fevereiro de 2010

O maldito mistério

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Por Fernando Barreiros

Com duas garrafas de vinho nas mãos, a cara suada e um sorriso escrachado, esperava a fila do supermercado acabar. Decidi que para comemorar a vida, ou simplesmente beber mais, compraria duas garrafas “decentes”. Saí do mercado e fui tropeçando, esbarrando e xingando até chegar em casa. A sombra virara uma raridade naquelas ruas quentes de verão. Eu me sentia a maior aberração de todas e não sabia porque, sob a influência de psicotrópicos ou não, os malditos “transeuntes” me encaravam. “Você está vendo? Aquele garoto está drogado! Aposto que andou injetando, olha como ri, olha os olhos vermelhos!” Obviamente, ri com meus olhos vermelhos e meio fechados demonstrando que as duas velhas que passavam estavam certas quanto ao meu atual estado.

Minha casa derretia e meus pés descalços queimavam. A voz de garotas rock’n'roll nos anos 60 estourava minhas caixas de som quando o telefone tocou. Atender telefone é uma das piores tarefas de um ser humano sensato. Você nunca sabe quem pode ser, pode tanto ser algum amigo quanto um viciado quanto alguma ex, ou seja, atender telefone nunca foi um prazer. leia mais…

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